Confession time..

Okay guys, here goes. 
Some of you may have known me my whole life. Others may have only just met me, and still others may only be reading this post and don’t know me at all. But I have a confession to make. One of the celebrities I follow has just recently come clean about his struggle with depression, and encourages others to do the same and to Always Keep Fighting. I’m tired of being dragged down with a secret that’s so obvious and yet so not.

My confession is this: I have depression.

People mistake depression, which is an actual illness, with the natural highs and lows of human emotions. They tell you to, “just think positive thoughts and feel good about yourself!”, or “stop being so negative and look on the bright side! Not every day can be a good one.” But the truth is, depression doesn’t work like that. Everyone has their highs and lows, and that’s just how life (and people!) work. But with depression it’s a constant low, with a few highs here and there, but always that lingering cloud hanging over you. With depression, you can’t just “snap out of it”, because it’s like a cage. It’s addicting. You get addicted to hurting yourself, whether physically or mentally, and you start to believe the little lies that Satan keeps throwing your way telling you that “you’re not good enough”, or “no one cares.” That’s the plain and simple truth. 

This is an excerpt from a book I’ve read, and it is so true: “It’s so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. That’s above and beyond everything else, and it’s not a mental complaint—it’s a physical thing, like it’s physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. They don’t come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people’s words do; they come out in chunks as if from a crushed-ice dispenser; you stumble on them as they gather behind your lower lip. So you just keep quiet.”

This is yes. A couple years ago I went through depression really bad, and I concealed it really well because I didn’t want anyone to worry about me, and I didn’t want anyone to see my struggle and say “it’s all in your head and you’re being stupid.” I was afraid of rejection. I didn’t tell anyone what I was going through because I felt like I was alone. I didn’t tell anyone that I wanted to kill myself or that I tried to, because I didn’t want sympathy either. I wanted someone to come along side me and tell me that they understood what I was going through and that I wasn’t alone. I wanted someone to get me.

Some days, it’s hard to drag myself out of the bed because I’m not ready to face what’s outside my door; I feel too weak to handle it. Truth is, half the time I don’t even want to life anymore. You know, the process of living. I don’t want to do it. Sometimes I just cry. I feel like I’m trapped inside my own head and because it’s my head, no one else can help; no one can share the burden. Because it’s in my head, I feel like it’s not an actual problem. But it is an actual problem, and it needs to be addressed. 

I have a Savior. You might know Him; He’s the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, and The Lord of all creation. He can save me from myself.

His name is Jesus Christ. The Author and Finisher, the One Who can save me.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for medication, if you need it. Depression can be caused by lots of things: circumstances, guilt, self-consciousness, envy, relationships, food (types & lack of), lack of sleep, stress, lifestyle, physical well-being, people you associate with, and life changes. Sometimes it’s necessary to try something new or different, for the sake of your well-being. 

I would ask of that anyone who reads this to just say a quick prayer for me. This is an everyday fight but I will overcome because the One I put my faith in believes in me and He has overcome the grave! Thanks to everyone reading this and saying “yes, I’ll pray”, and kudos & prayers to those who struggle with the same thing. You’re never alone. 

-xoxo, Josie.